There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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