What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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