yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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