I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
