My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
