I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
