Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
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Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
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You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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