I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
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I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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