my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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