i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
