Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
