How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
