He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
