forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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