I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize