M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
