I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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