So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you would pick up someone in the library
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
it's like iHOP with fire
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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