When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I would ride that face into the sunset
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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