she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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