I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
