: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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