someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
