apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
so much tequila, so little girl.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
