I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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