I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
