so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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