we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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