dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM VODKA MAN
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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