The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
