first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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