we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
