So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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