from now on my penis is your penis
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
