Where are you?
In a non slutty way
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
