i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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