I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
