Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
