it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
How does one acquire holy water?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
