I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
