# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
