Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Well I just put wine in my tea
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
