The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
