Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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