20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
