I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
