Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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