Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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