so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
