Need sex. Gaining weight.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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