so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
