tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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