I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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