i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
