For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
