then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
