I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
