just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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