All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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